10 Things I Wish My Married Friends Knew

   If the title isn't obvious, this is a list of 10 things I (and others) might wish our married friends knew     from the perspective of a person who is single.

*single for this list means, not married. You can have a significant other and although you're not "single", you're also not married...so this in many ways can and does still apply.

    For the record, this is not my opportunity to bash my married friends or take jabs at anyone. This isn't a list of annoying things married couples do. My hope is that this is a constructive list, for married folks to understand the relationships between them and their single friends more intentionally, and for those who are single to possibly have a place to put thoughts, experiences, even emotions to words.

     If nothing else this is a place to talk about a topic that is often misunderstood, overlooked, not looked at all, and even avoided in many spaces. This is a conversation as much as a list about the very real relational dynamic between friends who are married and who are not. So as I speak, I certainly am not speaking for everyone, but I hope I am sharing out of a place of shared experiences and voices.

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   I will start the list in a second, I promise. I just want to be clear that I can only speak from my own experiences, from my own past and present, and I will probably miss a few things that other people would add. But I can say this, growing up in a Christian centered world, where marriage is often at the center of many spaces, and being involved in ministry and churches has placed me right in the middle of marriage and singleness. And even more personally, the majority of my close friends who are around my age are married. That's just my experience. Not right or wrong, just the lens that I see thru.  But without any more unnecessary babbling on, here is a list of 10 things I wish my married friends knew.

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#1. We Love Your Marriage!

    

    This might seem like a terrible #1 to start this list but I honestly believe it may be the most important one. Everything I mention in this post should draw you back to #1. For every frustration, every moment of uncertainty, and every hard conversation, I want you to know that as a person who is 27 and not married, I absolutely cherish that you are married! 

   Please, do not walk away from reading this, feeling as if anything less than that is true. No matter what, as a single person, I am better off because of your marriage. We are not mad at you, or bitter at you, or upset with you for being married! We love you, we love that you have found someone to share your life with, and we hope that you know that, above all things. So please don't be upset or feel attacked, that is never my intention and it should never be the intention of any person who is single. 

#1a. really, don't get upset or feel attacked. If at any point you do, I apologize for not using my words better and implore you to re-read #1. 

#2. Invite Us IN

    

   Following #1, we desire to be a part of your marriage. I want to grow from it, learn from it, see it, invest in it, and most importantly, be included in it. There will always be times that are for you and your spouse exclusively, and there should be, but I think if most single friends were honest, they would tell you how much they want to be invited into your marriage whenever possible. We want to get to watch your marriage grow in the same way we want to watch our own friendship grow. I know personally that some of the greatest experiences and life lessons I have learned in life have come from the time spent with my friends who are married. 

     

   Not that we are left out, but it can be very easy to forget that your marriage can be a gift not only to yourself and your spouse but to your friends as well. You love us so well by giving us the gift of that friendship and we are thankful for it! 

   

    At this moment my 3 closest friends are all married, and my friend group consists of those 3 married couples and I wouldn't change that for the world. And while I have friends who are not married, I am beyond thankful to share my life with a group of friends who happen to be married. It's a joy and I am thankful for it. Don't stop inviting us into that! 

#3. Ask For Permission

   This one is spoken more from others than my own experience as I do not often think this way, but have had many friends of mine who are single express this sentiment. What do I mean by, ask for permission? 

    There are many spaces in our lives that separate those who are single and those who are married and this is not inherently a bad thing. When it becomes a hard pill to swallow is when there is separation simply based on marital status without ever asking how that makes us feel. For instance: say a group of friends plan a vacation together and they rent out a lake house. If there are 3 big rooms and a couch, more often than not, the 3 rooms will without question be taken by the married couples. Here me out, this is not a bad thing! What we wish you knew is that it would mean a lot if we were asked permission for you to make this decision. 

   When we are put out on the couch, or separated in the other building simply because we are single it can make us feel as if we aren't as good because of our choice not to be married. And the honest truth is, 99% of the time, If I was asked to take the smaller room or the couch so my married friends could have a more pleasant experience I would say yes! I just want to be asked first, because it shows me that you respect me and dont assume what is right simply because I don't have a spouse. 

   Again, this honestly isn't something I think about much but I have heard many friends express this to me in the past. In ministry, in Church, and in everyday life. 

   Just be aware that we want to be seen as just as worthy as our married friends, and often would gladly give up bigger spaces and nicer rooms if we are just asked first! 

#4.  Our Time Is Valuable Too

  It isn't always said out loud, and sometimes it is, but singleness can often be seen as a "season" of endless time and opportunity. What we wish our married friends knew is that our free time is not more available just because we don't have a spouse. 

  It can be subtle, a simple ask for help to watch the dog or to pick up the mail, and if not done carefully we can come to the conclusion that we are only being asked to do these things because we "have more time", because we are single. 

   Trust me when I say, I want to serve my married friends, so this is not on here so I'll stop being asked to love you, I want to love you! Please continue to invite me into your life! But be aware that just because I am single does not mean that my or "our" time is less valuable or more flexible. And honestly, sometimes it can be. I don't have a wife who gets sick and needs me to be with her, or a spouse who worked all day and just needs me to be there for her. But I also don't want to feel like I am being taken advantage of because I don't have those responsibilities. 

   I could write a lot more on this, and give a lot more examples that may be helpful but just know that we want you to honor our singleness and our time in the same way you want us to honor your marriage and the time it deserves. 

#5. We Aren't Desperate

   This one makes me laugh because personally I find it funny, but I know there are people who it hurts. I am single, but that doesn't mean I am desperate to find love and want you to ask me about it every time you see me. I dont want it to always be the topic of discussion when we are together, or have you show me a friend who is also single every time you can, because it makes my singleness the vocal point of the conversation and it shouldn't be. It's a part of who we are but it doesn't define us and we want you to encourage us that it isn't a defining quality. 

   I had a friend of mine jokingly tell me I should have a marriage pact with another friend of ours, you know, like Phoebe had in friends. Where if we both get to a certain age and are still single we will just settle and marry each other. Honestly, I thought it was funny, I still do, but I know others who are hurt by it, for the same reasons mentioned above. This doesn't mean you have to walk on egg shells around us, or can never joke with us, we need laughter sometimes, but we also need you to see past that too. You know your friends and what is appropriate and isn't, just be aware of it! We will thank you! 

#6. We Don't Have a Relational Backstop

   This might be more personal to me, or maybe I am not alone but I so desperately want my married friends to know that there is a difference between us, in that you have someone to come home to every night, someone to share things with, spend time with whenever you need, and someone to give you physical touch which we all need psychologically but can be hard to come by outside of marriage, especially in the Christian context. 

   Now I am not naive to the fact that married does not mean every moment is intimate or that you both are always on the same page and happy go lucky. You have moments of isolation and loneliness too! I just want my friends to know that your friendship matters a lot to me and when I lose that, or the friend I do usually run to when things are hard isn't available, I have no other backdrop. I will go home to a house without someone waiting for me there. When I need to vent or decompress, or just need a hug, it isn't always there and it's why #1 is still so important. We cherish your marriage because we can find that in your friendship. 

   Honesty moment: I have expressed this to my married friends before so I think it is ok that I share it here - I have had my married friends make plans to hangout and after a long day, or a tiring week, they cancel at the last moment. It's very possible that is exactly what they should have done, I probably would do the same thing if I was in their shoes! But I had to explain to them how much I missed that time because I wanted to be with people, with my friends, in community. And it felt easy for them to cancel because they had that at home if they needed it. My friends were extremely understanding in that moment and I am thankful for them, but that may not always be the case for everyone and as a married guy or girl you can really love us by making relational space for us too, because we need it! 

   I just want you to be aware that at least for me, I desire that companionship and intimacy and it at times can be a lot harder to come by, if at all and it's helpful if you are aware of that. 

   There may be others who don't experience this at all and are completely fine being independent on their own and bravo to them, but for me, that isn't always the case. 

#7. Culture Does Pressure Us

   There is a good chance that regardless of if you are married or single you remember this or experience it now. Everywhere we go there is what feels like, a constant reminder of our singleness. In adds on tv, movies, sermons at church, spaces at retreats, and in everyday conversations. I would be lying to you if I said this didn't take its toll. 

   I have never personally felt that I was less valuable because I am not married, or unlovable, or questioned what was wrong with me because of that, but many people do, and our culture doesn't help. Everywhere we look, if we let it, we can be consumed by the fact that the world favors those who are married. And again, in some ways it should, because marriage is hard and has its own set of needs but when it becomes a thing that isolates you, it can be hurtful. 

   This is often by no fault of anyone who is married, so don't read it as if it is. But don't forget what it was like to be single (if you wished to be married), and seek out opportunities to validate your single friends because they are worthy of love and admiration in the very same way you are. 

#8. Marriage Is Not a Higher Calling

   If there is one on this list that feels like it might be attacking you I suppose this might be it (see #1). I just want you to know that it can feel this way sometimes, especially in Christian spaces. That if you are married you have entered into something more meaningful than being single. And this is hard for me, because at some level marriage is so special, and unique, and worth lifting up because it can be so glorifying and so good. But it shouldn't elevate a persons status above someone who isn't married. 

   In fact, if we are speaking biblically, Paul persuades us all to remain single if possible, but it so often feels like it's the opposite for many of us. That singleness is a season to get thru, and marriage is the goal to attain. Marriage is certainly a gift, and something worth desiring, but not all of us our called to such a thing and we shouldn't feel left out or less than if we do make that choice or happen to be single. 

   Again, I don't see many married couples ever say this and I don't know that I have personally ever experienced a married friend make me feel this way, but somehow I have still picked this idea up in my head from the world I live in. That marriage is the goal, the highest calling, and if I don't get there, I am a failure in some way. 

   I suppose age plays a role in this as well, because the older I get the more I feel as if the time is ticking away on my shot to be married. As if there is a time-table or a set number of which I need to be married by, if at all. 

   This may be of no fault of your own and maybe it is just the job of all of us to make sure that we don't allow marriage to become a stepping stone to being better in some way. 

#9. Money Can Be Tricky

   Ok, money can be tricky regardless of is you are married or not. So someone write a list for married couples and put this one on there. In fact, money is a leading contributor to the divorce rate in America, so let me be clear, this is not exclusive to those of us who are single, but nonetheless. 

   At least in my experience, my married friends often have more financial freedom than my friends who are single. Of course, you may have a different experience as I am sure many do but this has just been mine. And I think for those of us who are single and making say, a ministry salary, we want you to know that money can be tight. 

   We are willing to spend the extra money sometimes to go out with you, and do fun things with you, but we never want to feel like we cannot be apart of your life because of our lack of resources or a dual-income. 

   It can be as simple as going out to eat. For instance, I will always choose Chipotle because they give me extra rice and I ask for half chicken and half steak so I get double meat without paying for it, but if I am asked to go somewhere fancy I have to choose, whether to miss out on the relational time with my friends or find a way to make the money work. I am not in anyway saying we don't go out for drinks or spend money on things we shouldn't, just like everyone else, but to know that our married friend consider us when thinking about where to go to eat, or where to go on vacation or anything else means the world and tells us that you care for us deeply. 

Money is an issue for all of us, I know. 

#10. You Become Our Family

   Ill finish on a lighter note: our relationships are constantly changing and evolving, some of us are moving away, some of us are having kids, some of us are starting careers, but regardless, as a person who isn't married, to my married fiends, you are a part of my family. 

   Be it 5 weeks from now, 5 months, or 20 years, we want to be in your life because you are like family to us. We want to watch you grow up, have kids, love each other, walk your kids down the aisle, and so on and so forth. We want all of it, and I will forever be thankful for my friends who invite me into their lives. As you change, we change with you, and regardless of if we get married or remain single, we hope you see us in that way too. A part of your family, for better or for worse. From triumphs and milestones, to hard diagnoses and the hardest of moments, we want to be in it with you and we hope you will always see us how we see you, never as a burden, always as a delight, and as family. 

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To my friends who are single: you are worthy of love and your relationship status will never define you! Find a group of friends, married and not married who will cherish you in all the moments of your life. 

To my friends who are married: thank you for sharing your gift with me, some of my fondest memories and dearest friends are because of your marriage. I love ya! 

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I'd love to know your experiences in this: if your single or married, how you have seen these things, and if there are things I missed that you wish your friends knew! Reach out to me, I really would love to know.